Let’s take Marge and Homer, for example. Marge and Homer are fictional characters, but their conflict represents life as we know it. Homer is not known for his good decision-making and Marge doesn’t exactly run a tight ship. After years of questionable activities, Marge finally decides to cut her losses and leave Homer. They have three beautiful (one delinquent) children between them and few assets other than a home. Marge is good at keeping secrets, but knows she will need to negotiate, or communicate with Homer, about her interest in keeping the home and children before he drinks too many more beers.

Because he is uncomfortable representing his own positions, Homer hires an attorney who will present his case in court. While the process of adjudication is not a voluntary one for Marge, the judge will make decisions that will split their assets and create rules for their behavior. Marge thinks this hasty decision to head to court will not be advantageous, and at first she moans a lot, not used to airing her grievances. Eventually she begs Homer to consider mediation. That’s wise, given that most courts require mediation prior to a court hearing in the case of divorce. Given mediation is typically voluntary, Homer and Marge would likely reach a long-term agreement with the help of an impartial facilitator who would help them through the contentious issues associated with divorce. Marge is delighted that Homer has agreed to mediation, given it will cost her less and take less time than going to court which means she has to buy less beer in the long run.

Homer, however, decides at the last minute that he wants to use arbitration because someone else will be making the decisions for them about the house and the children. Homer notoriously makes hasty decisions and wants someone else to rule on evidence he will present. Marge is not pleased with his change of heart and moans a lot. Her middle child Lisa recommends med-arb, a combination of mediation and arbitration that provides allowance for voluntary participation and an impartial ruling, if mediation fails to produce an agreement. Homer decides to forego the use of an attorney due to all these options.

Homer and Marge’s children beg them to take a second look at their decision to split, given the progress they made in deciding to use Alternative Dispute Resolution. Marge agrees, thinking that she can always use individualized coaching to learn how to resolve disputes with Homer in the future. She decided that a good option would be to learn how to deal with Homer through coaching and perhaps psychotherapy, to get at the bottom of their issues, and she could always call a mediator to resolve specific issues when they needed assistance making difficult decisions.

Marge and Homer went back to living their mundane lives, eventually working through their moaning and beer-drinking, and felt better about the ability to reduce their conflict.

Holly Woods, Ph.D. provides Mediation & Conflict Coaching through the Safe2Speak® Center in Avon. She works with divorce, relationship and family disputes, schools, neighborhoods, and workplaces. Reach her at 970-748-4626 or This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .

Have you ever been exhilarated by an argument with a coworker or spouse and then developed a cold virus shortly after? Perhaps you suffer from insomnia because your evening fight with your teenager always get your juices flowing. Stress related to social conflict can manifest itself in our lives in both productive and counterproductive ways. The “fight or flight” instinct is a primal physiologic reaction to stress. Imagine the long-term result of remaining in conflict with a family member or colleague. Conflict stress doesn’t just result in divorce or employment termination. Unmanaged conflict affects our own physical, mental and emotional well-being, and also that of people around us. It is critical for you to manage the conflict-related stress in your life before it seriously harms you or your family.

You likely feel the effects of negative social interaction that happen in family and social relationships. The arguments, sarcasm, hostility, criticism, and unwanted demands can produce high blood pressure, neuroendocrine activity and greater emotional distress. Stress from social conflict can also create other health problems as well, such as premature aging and a number of chronic diseases. Sometimes the stress is so great that it leads to physical violence.

You, like most, are not even aware of your body’s reaction to conflict stress under most circumstances. Studies of “high stress” argument styles among married couples show that high stress couples (that are not managing their conflict) have a higher neuroendocrine response and slower healing time than low stress couples. High stress partners are those who exhibit a greater number of negative and hostile behaviors. Despite reports that they are “quite happy”, the high stress couples are also less likely to be together after 10 years. These “happy” couples must have some level of adaptation to the conflict that would keep them in the marriage, at least for a time. It is amazing what you can tune out when you’re fighting for your life.

The bottom line is that chronically abrasive marital and other relationships can have serious effects. Not only does the discord significantly impact the health of the people in conflict, but also those peripheral to it. Your children also exhibit symptoms when exposed to marital conflict, including increases in heart rate and blood pressure, headaches and stomachaches, shorter stature, and increased risk of mortality.

Want to find a way to reduce the amount of conflict in your significant relationships? Mediation is a conflict resolution strategy that facilitates resolution by uncovering the hidden interests and assumptions that are a part of most conflicts. The goal is to find solutions to life’s difficult dilemmas by better understanding the conflict. You can also learn skills that change how you interact in intimate relationships. Individual coaching or psychotherapy may also be useful to work out long-term dissatisfaction causing the marital or other relationship strife. If you act now, you may add years to your life, or at least extend your relationships.

Holly Woods, Ph.D. provides Mediation & Conflict Coaching through the Safe2Speak® Center in Avon. She works with divorce, relationship and family disputes, schools, neighborhoods, and workplaces. Reach her at 970-748-4626 or This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .